Naked Me and The Countdown- Part I

Classic Hollywood icons.It starts out so nicely. I love the Gala’s theme, Classic Hollywood. It is a Curvy-Girl Ball made for chicks like me. Black tie optional there is no option for my husband, he will don said tux. Period, end of story. But it is never that easy, at least not in my world. So let’s rewind…

Every night I take a lovely hot bath before bed. Doesn’t matter if I showered hours before for dinner…. I shower in the morning and I bathe in the evening. It’s my thing. I love my tub. It’s big and very deep and it has a heater to keep it warm and this lovely light that changes color. I have a TV over my tub and a big window that overlooks the water. It’s heavenly. It also has a big mirror on the opposite wall where my vanity is and that folks is where the problem began!

I spend 2 hours a few evenings ago in said tub searching for another dress after the first choice wasn’t slated for release until days before the event. Finally after 64 pages of 90 gowns per page I have my front-runner and 2 alternates! Success! I am excited to see that they will arrive with plenty of time to alter for the Gala in 3 weeks. Now I can go from the tub to my bed and do some fluffy reading content as my troubles have been solved. I reach for my towel as my tub begins to drain and as I glance up I catch a glimpse of Naked Me in the mirror.

I pause for a few seconds and slowly turn taking in the view. I say, “Well hello there. Who might you be?” Naked Me’s Butt replies, “I am Badonkadonk and I am from Chipandsalsa, Tx.” I would say nice to meet you but that would be a lie. My eyes travel upward and feast on that area where I carried my babies on my hips. “And who are you?” I ask. Naked Me’s waist replies, “I am the muffin man and you know where I came from.” I think he works for Keebler in the Oreo division but I can’t be certain. This is exactly why I can’t stand Naked Me! That tramp will pick up anyone with empty calories and blame it on PMS.

Houston, we have a problem. Naked Me is insisting on taking her “friends” with her to the ball. I can’t have that so I begin brainstorming for solutions.

1. Remember this chick? Surviving on sunlight and air.
She is a Russian model who is a breatharian. She believes you can survive on sunlight and air. Well it’s not a long-term solution but I wait until I am starving to try it. Breathing deeply doesn’t cut it so I decide that maybe I need to swallow big gulps of air. I get 5 good ones down and I do feel fuller, who knew? Thirty seconds later I let out a huge belch! OMG! I suck at this! My very first attempt at breatharianism and I binge and purge. Clearly, this isn’t going to work for me.

2. I call around to see if anyone I know has the stomach bug and will lend me a dirty cup or toothbrush. Everyone I know is well….

3. I consider licking the raw chicken breast before it goes in the oven. Both times I have had salmonella, it was good for 10lbs in the first week. I just can’t pull the trigger.

4. Tapeworm! Jockeys used that trick years ago. They would swallow tapeworm eggs and then have the full-grown parasite removed. I didn’t know where to get them though. It’s not as though you could pull up to a drive thru window and order.
“Hello, would you like to try our Spicy Tapeworm Wrap?”
“Umm no thank you but I will take a #3 Tapeworm Club with a side of Listeriosis?”
“Would you like to Supersize that order and get a side of Rotavirus for $.99?”
“Sure”
“Your total is $6.47, please drive up.”
Yeah, not going to happen although Taco Bell gave it a good try.

5. Aha! I will wrap myself in Saran Wrap and shrink my way down. I have the commercial box from Costco. This can work! Suddenly my husbands face pops in my head and if he comes home and catches me in the wrap, he is going to have a much different idea in his head. I don’t have time to mess around right now.

I run out of ideas. I eat grass for lunch and go to the gym. I sweat and I smell. I step on the scale in the spa and hit a few buttons thinking I need to reset it so it works properly before realizing that it’s not some strange code but actually my weight in pounds. Sweet Mother Mary of all the Babies in the world, help me in my time of trouble. I eat roasted cauliflower, steamed spinach and chicken breast -the cooked sort- for dinner.

I got in the tub tonight and there was Naked Me mocking my attempts to be the “Good” kind of curvy that my dress deserves. I hate that snarky bitch. Screw her! I flip her the bird, get in the tub and order myself a new pair of Brian Atwood stilettos. This is going to be a long 3 weeks.

Stayed tuned with me to find out how I battle Naked Me over spring break vacation. Or better yet, help me! What options do I have? Leave your tips or encouragement in the form of a reply.

Marriage intervention and Hedo Rick

 

 

This YouTube video came to me from a Facebook post by a college friend of my husbands. I couldn’t believe my eyes and I was so in shock that I missed much of the nuances during my first viewing. Ok, we need to talk about this.

Watch the video and then come back to this paragraph. First view of Rick brings the thought that he is a fairly attractive older gentleman with poor taste in bathing suits…. And then he begins to speak….I have never been to Hedonism, nor have I spent time in Arizona, the state where Rick is from. I now have crossed both off my bucket lists and vow to never cross the border or property lines. He has been to Hedonism 40 times since 1988? Never thought about expanding your horizons Rick? The rippin’ and the tearin’? What does that mean???? …Ok cue BeyoncĂ©, and you know that is my girl….. Ok “Diva” is now erased from every playlist of mine…. What is he doing? Wait! Why is he dancing like that? What is with the thrusting? OMG!!!!! What the hell is that? SWEET BABY JESUS!!! Where is my bleach and prophylactic?

I know what rippin’ is…. It’s me rippin’ the bathroom door open so I can get sick and the tearin’ is me tearin’ my eyeballs from my head to get this vision out of my head.

Ladies, if your marriage is looking a bit piqued I highly encourage you to take a long look at single Rick. Do you really want to take a dip in the single pond knowing that your next Prince Charming could be Hedo Rick? Certainly makes your husband look a whole lot better doesn’t it? Now that we are taking a look at Rick, I have a few things that must be said but let’s first view Rick at his finest interacting with the ladies at Hedonism.

This looks like a parody of a Cialis commercial. In fact if the makers of Cialis had submitted this to the FDA along with their protocol, the drug would have been denied due to dangerous health consequences to the remaining public.

Look at the poor woman he is “dancing” for… Really a better term is assaulting. She has torticollis from trying to avoid a concussion from Rick’s gonads that are swinging in her face as he tries to break some speed of sound record with his hips. Within the first 10 seconds I have been over-exposed to Rick’s hyperactive scrotum and I am floored. I have so many questions!

Rick, hasn’t anyone told you that sort of thrusting is offensive? Quite frankly, I feel like after 1:18 of video, I have seen your whole game. I am not impressed in the least. Pssst….It’s bad form to jump on a woman’s lap and engage in the sort of maneuvers that threaten to knock her teeth out. Good Lord you are like an untrained dog! The poor woman in the video would have told you so but she has been a mute since this filming and is undergoing treatment for PTSD. She is also considering switching teams. Can you blame her?

Now, here is the $100,000 question. WHO is letting this man ANYWHERE near their goodies? There is not enough liquor distilled nor enough pharmaceuticals manufactured that could excuse that sort of poor judgement. If you have been a victim, please contact me and I will arrange a team for support and if you are considering Rick, please contact me for an intervention. We will watch a marathon of Rom-Coms until the urge to bleach your eyeballs has passed.

Now here is the disclaimer, I am not a prude in my marriage nor have I ever been promiscuous before it. I love my husband dearly. He has given me 3 gorgeous children, much love and support, a wonderful life and really pretty diamonds but if he ever, EVER, put those moves on me, I would be forced to punch him in the throat and revoke his playground privileges immediately!

Spring break is around the corner, be very careful! Gentlemen, share this post with your wife as one look at Rick will have you looking like a superstar!