First, my friend Ana Steele (well one of those names is her true name but to protect the innocent we always give my friends the option of an alias) and I attend a Barre class. Not overly cardio active but I am aching so much from the P90x the day before I can barely get out of my own way, so it is appropriate. My poor gluteus and quads are so sore from the 10,000 squats and lunges they tried to kill me with the day before that when it comes time to work that area with a bender ball, I find myself with a hip/ass cramp and before I can stop it, “SHIT!” (It’s caps because maybe I wasn’t using my inside voice) flies right out of my mouth. See this is exactly why I need private instruction! Ana is used to my nonsense so she just laughs and mouths “potty mouth”…. This is what I get for going to my club for convenience. (I live in a hoity-toity neighborhood and I know they have been dying to kick me out and scratch my barcode from my car since we moved in.) Anyway, I rein it in for the rest of my class.
Ana and I sit on a bench and wait for valet to bring her car around while we look for other class offerings on the schedule. “What about spin?”, she offers. I slowly shake my head and quietly say, “Noooooooo.”
“It burns so many calories”, she says.
“Ana, I would rather take a crab mallet to my vag. No!” To be fair I have taken 1, yes just 1-one-uno-singular spin class. I walked as though I had been violated for days and yes, I used the stupid gel seat. I have many friends who do spin everyday. They promise that it gets better but I don’t see how it could without something changing. I have had 3 children, each labor hurt as much the next, with the exception where I break my tailbone with the first baby and my doctor figures out that if left to cook a baby too long, they get too big for me to deliver and we induce me early for the next two.
Back to spin…. Something must change to avoid this pain if I continue to try spin. What is it? Will I incur so much nerve damage from the impact that it becomes numb? Like permanently? Cue Linkin Park singing “Numb”….. Or worse yet, does it callous? I can’t even expound on that because it’s so distasteful. All I can say is that none of my friends can tell me how spin becomes less traumatic to the girly zone. Spin just isn’t going to be for me. I can pretty much bet the farm on that one.
So the next morning I take a Yoga class. I position myself in the corner with the equipment so no one flicks one drop of sweat on me. I will lose my shit. I would rather see someone vomit than a stranger getting their sweat on me. I have issues, I am completely aware and I am so good with that! Anyway, yoga is lovely but what is that noise? There it goes again! I open my eyes and peer around the room. “Whoooosh”, there it goes again to my left. I peek through my Sun Salutation. “Whoooosh”…. It’s the guy on the next mat. Is he seriously going to breathe like that the whole class? I look up at the clock 55 more minutes of this??? Maybe yoga is not for me…..
My favorite class and activity of all time is Krav Maga. It’s Israeli Hand to Hand combat fighting. Some interesting bruises and it brings out my alter ego. Unfortunately, last year I discovered that when a second away from a head-on impact at nearly 50mph, it’s a really bad idea to use your arm in a locked position to brace yourself from the steering wheel. There were bones sticking up in all different directions. The surgeon did a great job putting it back together even if it is crooked and weak from ligament damage. That was the end of Krav for me…. Sadly enough, if I could do it over I would have just went with a broken nose and I could have had a Megan Fox nose today instead of a jacked-up wrist. I highly advise you to take inventory of your body and keep the weakest link in mind when in a sacrificial position or you too may find yourself investing in bangles and men’s watches!
So I continue searching for my exercise class… Meanwhile I will go back to P90x tomorrow and will have a bar installed next to my potty so I can get up off the toilet after class. 13 days and counting….