11:38am- “Reese’s sink is clogged,” from my housekeeper. “Yes, I heard. I have to pick up some…. Wait, it’s Monday!” Mondays is my Honey-Do day with my handyman who my husband calls my “boyfriend”. I reach for my phone and dial him up. “Do we have a date today?”
“Yes, see you in 20.”
“Bring your plumbing kit.”
12:05pm- We are in Reese’s bathroom and he unscrews the top of the stopper and reaches inside. I marvel at his bravery! He doesn’t have to go far when he hits pay dirt and as he pulls it out, I recognize it immediately.
IT’S A RABID SQUIRREL! How did that get in there? He tosses the squirrel in the trash and he goes back!? Wait, there’s more? How can that be? I am mistaken, this is much too large to be a rabid squirrel.
I am now pinching my columella which is a fancy word for the flesh that separates your nostrils. I do this when I feel like I might be sick.
As he reaches in again, it is now clear that the correct answer for what is in the sink drain is not a rabid squirrel but….
Cousin Itt! How did he get in there??? I wonder about the rest of the Addams family and softly begin to sing the tune, “They’re creepy and they’re kooky….”
Shea is now pinching his columella and asking for a vomit bag. Did I mention that he is still using his bare hands? Isn’t he afraid they may melt off? Apparently not. He looks down the drain and then disappears under the sink only to return with the trap in hand.
Holy Christmas!!!!! You are never going to believe what was in the trap! That’s right. It’s this century’s Hide and Go Seek Champion!
Sasquatch has been hiding in my daughters bathroom drain. If it wasn’t quite so disgusting, it would be a modern day miracle. Call Bravo TV and tell them the search is over! This is going to bump one of the Real Housewives episodes straight out of their time slot. Take that NeNe!
Shea is now dry heaving and I am running from the bathroom. “Thank God, you got that out!”
And because I tip him really well, I shoot him one last request on my way out the door…. “Can you clear all the other drains in the house?” You know, in case I have a family of Sasquatches here.