The return of the bush?

This is definitely going to be one of those posts that is a little sensitive. In fact this is one of those posts that is covered by ground rules number seven. You may want to skip this one if you’re feeling a little skittish.

I had way too much caffeine last night. In fact it’s starting to get a little old the way that I can’t seem to process caffeine after 2 PM. I mean how pathetic is that? So I decided that I should read for a while but as I was trying to read I realized I was far too into my book and at this rate it would not put me to sleep so I opted instead to read some random articles online. I found a rather interesting one and immediately thought I would get my husband’s input. So as he slept soundly and snoring lightly, I gave him a little shake and said “Honey, guess what’s coming back into style.”

“Hmmmmph” was his reply.
“You have to guess and I’ll give you a hint. It has to do with women.”
He did not really want play this game at 12:30 AM so I cut him a little slack after his first guess was terribly off-track.
“The answer is Bush. Bushes are coming back in style it says.”

Now as I told you my first blog piece it takes a very special man to be married to someone like me. He knew right away that I wasn’t talking about landscaping. Well at least not landscaping in the traditional sense.

“It says here that Gwyneth Paltrow is rocking a 70’s bush and more and more women are forgoing the Brazilian and going au naturale.”

He did give me his input but I am not going to share as I don’t want to offend anyone but suffice it to say he wasn’t a fan.

The article was interesting and brought up several good arguments. Women are tiring of the constant pain or suffering associated with the upkeep. I have had laser several times and the last time…. Well lets just say there was a loud zap, a distinct smell, an incredible amount of pain followed by my tech saying, “Ummm, you are probably ummm…. Going to ummmm… Want to put some ummmm Neosporin on that.” “Neosporin, huh Eric? I think a skin graft is more appropriate.” That event gave a whole new meaning to skirt steak for me. I have been bruised by waxing and I swear I have nicked my femoral artery shaving. However, not once have I ever thought “screw it, I am going for a Bruno Mars wig look”. I decided that I needed more information…..

So today I had my annual well woman visit. Don’t know what that is? Well it starts by getting your boobies squeezed in a machine until they are about 1 psi from popping and then getting naked while a virtual stranger gets to third base without ever buying you lunch, dinner or calling afterwards. Anyway, who would know better about the current grooming habits of women nowadays than the people who make it a living to know about vaginas?

So I say as I get the standard “Relax and let your legs…” (Yeah you know the rest….)…. “I read an interesting article last night”. Now this man has been my gynecologist for 20 years. He knows not to expect a titillating diatribe about the latest medical advances not because I cannot keep up but simply because at this juncture I am on a need to know basis and I need to know this. So I ask him and his nurse if they are seeing a growing trend…. Pun intended… He says no, his nurse says yes. They both have their own perspective which I won’t share but they are definitely not a fan of spinach… You know, spiders?.. Basically do what you like but make sure what’s left of it is contained. Think Boy short bathing suit bottoms and if that doesn’t work for you, perhaps a wet suit. We all agreed that Americans typically are more into the less is more boat than our European friends. They also point out the fact that it’s not an option for those who have lasered themselves beyond a blade of grass in the field…. Which got me thinking?

What if these folks who have permanently killed off the landscape have regrets? Immediately I thought of a resolution! I would partner with Stark carpeting to produce pubic toupees. We could have short pile, long pile, Berber, looped, shag, textured, patterned and even AstroTurf for our athletic friends. However, it turns out that Hollywood has had these for years and they are called Merkins. That was that! So as I left the parking lot of my doctor’s office, I realized that I had one last thing to do…

That is, ask a wise old sage, a seasoned veteran! So I called my grandmother. Now admittedly she may not be the best person to ask as she thought there was part of her Netherregion called a “Plethorus”… Which may be some type of extinct girl dinosaur, I don’t know… But what she meant rhymes with Plethorus so it’s all good. I won’t tell you her preference because I don’t want to offend anyone but she was very concerned that I not feel pressured to follow the trend. I was honest with her and said, “I can barely button my jeans now. A bush like that will send me straight out of my closet.” I will pass. But that’s just my decision. It’s your lawn, mow it the way you want!

Please feel free to weigh in with your thoughts.

2 thoughts on “The return of the bush?

  1. Pingback: The return of the bush? | There goes my reputation

  2. You are hysterical!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just spit my coffee out and laughed so hard my daughter wanted to know what I was reading.

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